Truisms

Truism (Tru"ism) (?), n.
[From True.]

An undoubted or self-evident truth; a statement which is pliantly true; a proposition needing no proof or argument;

 

 

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse
 

31. I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

32. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

33. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

34. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

35. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

36. If all is not lost where is it?

37. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

38. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

39. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

40. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

41. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

42. It was all so different before everything changed.

43. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

44. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

45. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

46. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

47. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few!

48. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

49. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

50. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

51. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

52. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

53. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

54. Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

55. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

56. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

57. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

58. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

59. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

60. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

61. It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.

62. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
 

63 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
64. If all is not lost, where is it?
65. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
66. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
67. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it to someone else.
68. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
69. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
70. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
71 It was all so different before everything changed.
72 Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
73. Some days you'r the bird, some days you're the statue.
74. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
75. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
76.I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few!
77. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
78. It isn't the pace of life that bothers me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
79. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
80. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
81. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
82. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
83. Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.
84. Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.
85. When you're finally holding all the cards, everyone else will decide to play chess.
86. If you're living on the edge, make sure to wear your seat belt.
87. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
88. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
89. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
90. It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
91. Do unto other before they get the chance to do unto you.
92. If you're always calm, cool and collected, you don't understand the situation.
93. A day without sunshine is like, night.
94. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
95. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
96. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
97. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
98. Remember half the people you know are below average.
99. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
100. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
101. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
102. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
103. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet   engines.
104. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
105. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
106. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
107. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
108. When everything's coming your way, you're going the wrong way on a one-way street.
109. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
110. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
111. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
112. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
113. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
114. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
115. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
116. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
117. The coldness of the x-ray table is directionally proportionate to the amount of your body that is required on it.
118. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
119. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the   ability to reach it.
120. Stealing ideas from 1 person is called plagiarism. Stealing ideas from many is called research.
121. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above   your principles.
122. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
123. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
124. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
125. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
126. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch   up.
127. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
128. Change is inevitable except when dealing with vending machines.
129. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
130. If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and then mine is delirious.
131. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
132. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
133. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
134. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
135. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
136.  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
137. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
138.  Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!
139.  Housework done properly can kill you.
140. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
141. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
142. LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
143. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever.
144. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
145. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
146. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

Variations On Murphy's Law