The Name's Blonde... Dumb Blonde!

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the four worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Fifth grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an I.Q. of 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: What is the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What are the worst six years of a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.
 
 
 
 

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Did you hear about the blonde who complained to the judge about her car being towed away. She told him there was a sign that said 'FINE FOR PARKING'.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
 
 

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. While on the other side of the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back." She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off."

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
'I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
'You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee.'

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
 

A blonde walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.
"Where to?" asked the smiling ticket agent.
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Patty said, "Let me see!" So Carol handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Bambi sidled up to a party guest she had heard addressed as doctor. "Doctor, may I ask you a question?"
 "Certainly," he said.
"Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart..."
The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I wouldn't know. I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I'm sorry!"
Bambi walked back across the rom to her fellow blonde friend who asked, "What did he say? What do you have?"
"I still don't know what it is, but it's not philosophy"

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . .we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."
Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
 

Two tourists were driving through Texas.
As they approached the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-kinnnnngggg."
 

The blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
"So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid

A blonde woman named Barbara found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night came and somebody else won. Barbara again prayed.
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night came and Barbara still had no luck. Once again she prayed.
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Barbara was confronted by the voice of God himself.
"Barbara, you are going to have to meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
 

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
 

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my fifth grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of course it is, dear.''
The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in the fifth grade, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen."
 

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coat hook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who has fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
 
 

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.

She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Under "Education" on her job application, she puts "Hooked on Phonics."

She thinks socialism means partying.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of application forms where it says "Sign Here", she puts "Sagittarius".

She asked for a price check at the dollar store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
 

She stands up on an empty bus.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

She invented a solar powered flashlight.

She sold her car for gas money.